Ambiguous Genitals: Oh Noes!
TimeOut New York's sex issue is quite typically a fun romp through the grit, glitz and grime of sex life in New York City. Unfortunately this article on "X-rated pickups" was painfully transphobic, relegating a "sweet and understanding" guy to nothing more than an unacceptable set of genitals. An excerpt from the brief story:
“He lived around the corner, so we left the bar and stood on his stoop making out like teenagers. I set my bag down and after a long time, I realized that some asshole had stolen it while I was otherwise occupied. I was pissed, but David was sweet and understanding. When he asked me to come up to his apartment, I was shaken, drunk and reckless enough to agree. After rolling around for a while, I grabbed him by the balls and stroked his crotch through his skinny jeans. He became really stiff (not in the good way) and pulled away suddenly. He cleared his throat and started to explain: “When I was born…there was a problem…with my penis.” Turns out he had a little three-inch stump with no discernible head or any other regular features. I did wonder if perhaps he was a transsexual, and his/her penis was reclaimed in some way, but I was pretty much straight out the door at that point. I felt really bad, but I never called him again and deleted my OkCupid account the next day. Who would have thought? Robbed twice in one night.”—As told to Michael HarryRead more: http://newyork.timeout.com/articles/sex-dating/89502/x-rated-pickup-stories-the-sex-issue/2.html#ixzz113HRp53l
This story downright offends me. Not only is the storyteller so wrapped up in her idea of what a penis should look like, but when her date doesn't reflect that image she questions his gender identity, saying "his/her" as if his penis was the only thing that defined him.She then goes so far to demonize the person by equating them to a criminal; a fantastically tacky low. She suggests that she is entitled to a sexual romp with genitals she deems worthy, and David is required to deliver. When he doesn't, he "robs" her of her entitlement.It sounds to me like it was David who was robbed. He likely expected a date who was considerate, and didn't run away because she can't handle biological diversity. He could have requested to stay above the belt and kept his pants on, but instead revealed a piece of information that was private and likely difficult. My guess is that he told her about his body and she encouraged him to show her, perhaps because she thought he was exaggerating or that she could handle it, or because she wanted a free ticket to a freak show. Either way, she leaves.We need to create a new standard for dating etiquette. We need to request an understanding of expectations, of deal-breaking criteria and put pressure on those who have restrictive needs to declare them before we waste our time offering our "sweet and understanding" selves. David was robbed. His date should have explicitly state her shallowness ahead of time and let him know that she was obsessed with her own narrow standard of phallus and would be unwilling to find other ways to have fun if her date doesn't measure up. With such a declaration, the storyteller would have to face her own bias head on and David would know to steer clear. (I, for the record, appreciate it when people I'm on a date with disclose that they are raging assholes before we hook up.)Boo on TimeOut New York for cashing in on slamming trans people or others with genitals that stray from societal expectations. I expected more, but as more and more queer people are targeted for harassment, hate crimes and shaming tactics, how could I expect anything else?