Reflections in Anger
I want to talk about love. But “Love is love is love is…” not what I’m feeling right now. I cannot talk about love until I take the time to talk about all the Anger.My dad called me up the other day and said he wanted to check in on me, because he’d seen some of my posts on FB and they seemed so ANGRY. And he’s right. They are angry. Because right now I have a lot to be angry about. It’s been a week since the shooting in Orlando that left 49 dead and I’m still fucking angry.I’ve been trying to write about this for the past week and keep getting stalled because of how angry I am.So, I am going to break this down into separate posts, because it’ll be easier for my blood pressure if I try to interrupt these rants with stupid cute videos. So here’s the first reason why I’m angry following the Pulse shooting:
I’m angry because more people aren’t angry.
On Sunday, June 12 Charlie and I had been awakened very early by our sick dog, when we heard the news. We were saddened and devastated, but we moved on, like we do in the wake of anti-queer violence. We went to the vet, we took care of chores, we enjoyed our day together.It wasn’t until Monday, when I headed into the city and to work, when I realized how upset I really was. The sadness of the shooting was still with me, but it was compounded by the disinterest by those around me. When I raised the topic with colleagues, they responded as if the event was barely a blip on their radar, some pausing as if they had to search their databases to recall what I was talking about. When I told them what I was experiencing, they seemed sad, surprised and nervous. They offered me hugs (some even forced them upon me). They offered hugs because they didn’t know what else to do. And when we were done they went about their business, unaffected by the severity of our conversation. This happened to me time and time again on Monday. And I realized that some people just weren’t as affected by the Pulse shooting as I was. These people were all straight and cisgender.My social media feeds seemed to concur. Lots of posts about Orlando from the queer and trans* folk. Very few from the straight people. And my queer and trans* folk were saying they were experiencing the same thing. From cisgender, straight people there was silence. And this pissed me off.When I mentioned this on Facebook, one of my colleagues responded that perhaps people were unaffected by the shooting was because it was “we have just gotten so fucking used to these horrible shootings, that even something as awful as this just seems run of the mill to some people.”This smacks of privilege. If you can say this it’s because this particular mass shooting (and likely all the others that you’ve ho-hummed at) does not impact you and your community in a grave way. It does not shake your identity, your sense of self or your safety.Shootings can only become run of the mill when they aren’t targeting you. Those who are in the crosshairs are paying way close attention to each and every time someone from their community gets killed, tracking the movements and strategizing to stay alive. You can ignore the gunfire when you’re in a safe place and don’t have to worry about the danger.For us, this is not “just another mass shooting.” It is a reminder of the deadliness of heterosexism and cissexism. It’s a reminder that queer and trans lives are in danger. It is a reminder that we should be afraid that we might die because of how much we are hated.And it is a reminder that we are not the same.